Randal's cousin, Brenda, sent me this poem today, and I found it was quite beautiful..I find peace in this poem. Randal is there this year and enjoying a beautiful Christmas.
My First Christmas In Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away, We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love he has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Merry Christmas
It's 3:20 am...i should be sleeping, but I'm not. I have been having a lot of not sleeping these past few weeks. It's Christmas. Last Christmas, I never dreamed I would spending Christmas without Randal this year. I spent tonight with Randals family. It was bittersweet spending this night with them. I was happy to be there because I love them and they will always be my family, but very hard to be there without him. His sister, Anne, bought a really nice new TV. Randal was such a fanatic about cool electronics and he would have loved her TV. When I saw it, I almost picked up my phone to take a picture and send it to him. I wanted him to see it. But within a few seconds, reality hit that I could not send him a picture. We talked about him a lot tonight. We remembered the funny things about him and some of the things that he said all the time that made us laugh. His uncle gave me a picture in a really pretty frame of Randal in his moms lap when he was a sweet little blonde haired boy. His mom died last December on the 27th. It was such a sweet picture. I imagined that he and his mom were in each others arms like that in heaven now. Randal was an artist. He did some art in high school and went to the Dallas Art Institute after high school. His sister, Judi, had a picture he had done in high school ( which I had never seen ) beautifully matted and framed for me. I will try to attach pictures of both to this post. I cried after I opened both of these gifts. They are sentimental and precious to me. I am so blessed to be a part of his wonderful family.
Tomorrow, I will travel to Vernon and be with my family( if road conditions permit). I am looking forward to being with my family, but I know that being there without Randal will be tough. Its just going to be another day that I have to get through.
Here are pictures of the two gifts that I mentioned :
So, with that, I want to wish anyone who reads this a Merry Christmas. If you knew Randal, please take a moment today to remember him. He is in the perfect place to be spending Christmas. He is very much loved. Its just hard for those of us left behind to be spending this day ,that is supposed to be about family and happy times, without his precious smile, funny ways, and boisterous laugh. I love you baby.
To my friend Stuart, I hope you have a great day tomorrow ( today really). Jason is with you right now. I wish for you to have peace during this season. I wish for Jason to come to you in your dreams tonight to tell you how happy he is that you are in Boston with his parents to help them get through the holidays as well. You are a special person.
Merry Christmas everyone.
Casey
Tomorrow, I will travel to Vernon and be with my family( if road conditions permit). I am looking forward to being with my family, but I know that being there without Randal will be tough. Its just going to be another day that I have to get through.
Here are pictures of the two gifts that I mentioned :
So, with that, I want to wish anyone who reads this a Merry Christmas. If you knew Randal, please take a moment today to remember him. He is in the perfect place to be spending Christmas. He is very much loved. Its just hard for those of us left behind to be spending this day ,that is supposed to be about family and happy times, without his precious smile, funny ways, and boisterous laugh. I love you baby.
To my friend Stuart, I hope you have a great day tomorrow ( today really). Jason is with you right now. I wish for you to have peace during this season. I wish for Jason to come to you in your dreams tonight to tell you how happy he is that you are in Boston with his parents to help them get through the holidays as well. You are a special person.
Merry Christmas everyone.
Casey
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Its Christmas Eve..Need I Say More
As you see in my title, I am starting this blog as a medium of expression because there is not always someone to talk to when I need to express how I feel, especially because I am a widow. Its hard for people to hear what I have to say when I am talking about my emotions of loss because generally, they just want me to be happy and to get on with life. Not such an easy thing to do when you are in the shoes that I am in.
I'll start at the beginning. On September 19th, 2009. I found my 34 year old husband peacefully resting in his chair at 2:00pm on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. I had been out of the house since around 11:00 am. I had talked to him at around 1:20pm....he called me to check on me and to see when I would be home. I arrived home at 2:00 pm and found him not breathing and no pulse, he looked like he was simply resting in his chair. Nothing in the environment was stirred. He just simply died...suddenly...in an instant....and without any pain or anxiety which I am so thankful for. He was not ill...he was a vibrant 34 year old man who was peacefully taken from this earth and from my physical life way too soon.
The whole next week after that was very painful, but at the same time, I had a sense of numbness about the whole thing. God did that for me, because if I hadn't had that intial numbness to get me through the funeral and all of the things that went on that week, I would have probably had to been heavily medicated. I already was medicated anyway, I couldn't sleep. I still can't sleep a lot of nights.
We got through the funeral. Funeral was way too expensive, but Randal would not have expected anything less from me. He had a beautiful service, beautiful casket, beautiful flowers, beautiful picture slideshow of his life from childhood until the week before he died. The slideshow played to two songs. "Making Memories of Us" ( This was OUR song...we danced to it at our wedding) and "When I Get Where I'm Going". The slideshow was amazing. I have copies of it. We buried him in San Angelo, TX..which is where he lived most of his life. His mother( who died last December) and his aunt are buried there next to him.
After the funeral and burial were over, the hard part started. How do I go on with my life now? Without him? It has not been easy of course. With the help of many I have been able to take one day at a time and get through each day the best that I can. My parents and my brother, called me everyday to check on me...many times a day. They knew that I talked to Randal at certain points in my day and that I would be missing that phone call, so they made sure to fill in those empty spots for me. Morning, noon, after work on my drive home ( of course I didn't go back to work until about 6 weeks after Randal died), and at night before I went to bed. My sister in laws ( Randals two sisters)...in those first few weeks after Randal died, I couldn't spend enough time with them. Being with them was like being with Randal. They made me feel closer to him. Plus, we all needed each other very much during those first few weeks. My co-workers....just the support of them picking up the slack during my absence ( and still doing it because I am still not fully engaged at work yet ), and checking on me, daily hugs, phone calls.. you name it, they have been there. Then I met Stuart. I'll tell you more about him in just a minute. It is now 3 months and 5 days since Randal went to heaven. As time has passed, I find myself back at work 5 days a week again. I find that I have days where I don't grieve too much and then there are days when I am crippled with it. I wish I had started this blog 3 months ago so that I could have shared those crippling days with you. But we would be here all day if I wrote about them and the 5 amazing dreams that Randal came to me in since his passing.
But, as I said, time has definitely helped some of the pain subside or maybe its just me getting used to living without him. The pain is still there and it creeps up and reminds me that its still there often. I have gotten to a point where I don't want my parents calling everyday and I don't need to see my sister in laws everyday. I am to the point where I need some independence. I need to figure out who Casey is without being Randal's wife. I have to learn myself all over again and learn to live as Casey who is nobody's wife.
Three weeks after Randal died, I was sitting in my house and feeling terrible. Everyone that knew Randal and I was back to their normal lives, and talking to them about how sad I was made me feel like a burden to them. I needed someone to turn to, so I began a search for a young widows support group....not just any widow support group would do. I didn't want to be sitting with a group of 80 year old women and men, because that is not who I could relate to. I needed someone who was my age that is going through this way earlier than we are supposed to be. So I found one. I joined online and I sent an email to the group stating that my husband had died 3 weeks before and I wasn't sure if 3 weeks was too soon to be sitting with a group of strangers and talking about it. I got a reply back that same day, I think, from a man named Stuart. He had lost his partner on May 28th, to cancer. His partner had been gone a little over 4 months. He told me about his loss and simply said he was there if I needed to talk. We emailed back and forth a few times a week following that first email, just sharing our stories and learning about one another. The contact with him was limited to a few emails here and there throughout October. In November, we emailed quite a bit more. Then we started talking about ourselves a little more, not just focusing on the losses we had both suffered. I took a trip to New Orleans with some friends towards the end of November, we exchanged phone numbers at that time and began text messaging. On Thanksgiving day, knowing it would be a terribly painful day for the both of us, we decided to talk on the phone for the first time. I think we talked for over two hours that night. We met face to face for the first time on December 2nd. We decided to go to the Meet Up for Young Widows ( which is the reason why we met in the first place.) Since October, having Stuart in my life has been a God send. He is someone that I can relate to, he listens when I need to talk, I listen when he needs to talk. We are there for each other. I don't worry that when I am having a bad day and tell him about it, that he is saying in his mind..." She needs to get over this and get on with her life" ...he just listens because he knows how it feels and he is going through this too. Not that my other friends or family would say that, but that is how it feels to me, maybe its all in my head. I just know that having Stuart in my life gives me hope for the future because I watch him, and I know that I will survive. Plus, he just makes me happy. He is an amazing man and a great friend to me. Thank You God for sending him to me in the wake of such tremendous grief over losing Randal. Thank you,Stuart, for emailing me on October 13th and starting this amazing friendship. I am forever grateful for you in my life.
I have gone through my first birthday, December 14th, without Randal. It was tough. But some great friends did some great things for me to make the day amazing even though I really tried hard to push everyone away. They wouldnt have it. Stuart sent me flowers because he remembered me telling him that Randal would have done that. They were beautiful ! My friend, Gerry, made me the cutest birthday cake. My friends at work took me out to dinner ( on the 15th) to celebrate. It ended up not being so bad. The week before, in anticipation of it, was worse than the actual day was.
December 18th( 89 days after his death), the cause of death came back from the Medical Examiner as this : Sudden Cardiac Death, Etiology Unknown. Manner of Death : Natural.
Duh, we already knew that. I needed more than that. But I won't get it and it sucks.
December 19th, 3 months since Randal died : Spent the day doing some last minute Christmas shopping. That evening met up with Stuart and his friend ( and my new friend), Leigh Ann. They were both having equally difficult days that day, so we met up for dinner and had a great time. I got several great hugs from Stuart that I had been needing...helped the day feel better.
Today, its Christmas Eve. I have not worked this week. Sunday I went to Vernon and spent time with my family. Came home on Monday. Tuesday, I had to go to the funeral home and sign insurance papers. The autopsy report came back last week and we have to get the funeral paid for. That was a really hard thing to do. Being back at that funeral home, I had flash backs of that day. I saw myself standing in the same spot that I was standing as faceless people came up and hugged me ( I don't even remember a whole lot of who was there...I was walking around in a cloud...plus i was medicated) . I saw the funeral cars and I saw that parking lot once again filled with all of those cars. I saw the steps where I went to sit after I silently escaped to get away for a few minutes during the viewing and cry privately. It was all too much for me to handle. I choked back tears as I went in and did the deed and got out as fast as I could. Tears streamed down my face the whole way home. I couldn't contain it anymore. Tuesday night was terrible. I didn't sleep and I cried all night. I decided that night, that I wouldn't go to work this week. I needed to take the time to get through this holiday. It was going to be hard enough as it is. I was okay yesterday. Today, I feel okay. Its kind of snowing outside which is so bizarre for Texas. I have the curtains open. Everything in this house still suggests that Randal is here, but he's not ( at least physically). I haven't moved anything from where he left it. I see the plants still from his funeral. I see mail laying beside me that says " Widows Services for Tarrant County." I see Randals face all around me in pictures. I see his clothes still in the closet and drawers. I see his favorite foods ( non perishable of course) still in the pantry. His A&M hats are hanging just like he left them. His shoes, his razor, his body spray( which I spray in the air often...just to get a whiff of what he smelled like), his cologne, his toothbrush, his garage. All of that is exactly as he left it. I can't and won't move it. So its Christmas Eve, I am going to spend the day with his family today and mine tomorrow...just like we would if he was still here. Now my task at hand, is to get through this holiday. Randal IS still here....not physically, but he is here in my heart and in my memories, and in spirit. I KNOW he is ...I can feel him. When the right time comes, I will slowly move his things, but for right now, I need those things there. Merry Christmas baby. You are in the perfect place to spend Christmas. I love you so much.
Stuart, Thanks for your blogs, I DO feel so much better after writing all of this down even though its not half of what i have been through..just a brief overview. From now on, when Im having a bad day,and there's nobody to talk to...I will be here writing. Thanks for the inspiration and the nudge to do it.
Here are a couple of things that I wanted to share that I posted on facebook :
This one was right after Randal died :
September 21, 2009 2:00 am
Its 2 am and I'm wide awake despite the prescription sleeping pills that the doctor has given us to help us get through. Cause you see, on Saturday, September 19th, my best friend and the love of my life left this world to go live in Heaven. He left very suddenly...I was out of the house and he called me at 1:23pm on my cell. We had a normal conversation, making plans for the evening and such. He was feeling just fine or if he wasnt, he didn't tell me any different. We said I'll see you in 30 minutes and that we loved each other. I didn't know that was his final goodbye and " I Love You " to me or I would have cherished it so much more at the time. Now that conversation means everything to me. I tried to call him a few times at around 1:50 and he didn't answer. I went ahead and picked up some lunch for the two of us and headed home. I arrived home to find my husband sleeping in the chair where he always sat when watching TV. Only this time, he didn't wake up like he always did when I walked in. I walked over to him and realized that he was not breathing and did not have a pulse....I dialed 911 ( after 3 attempts because my fingers were shaking so badly) I pulled him into the floor and began doing CPR. The paramedics arrived and escorted me out onto my front porch....where my hysterics began. Family and neighbors arrived and stood by me and held my hands as the paramedics were in the house trying to save my beloved Randal. At 240pm, they came out and told us the time of death. What ???? Did you say death? Do you mean to tell me that my husband of almost 6 years who I never got a chance to have children with is gone ? How am i going to even begin to know how to live without him ? My husband was an amazing man, I want everyone to know. He loved me more than anyone has or ever will love me. I was blessed to have him while I did. Now he is in Heaven with his mom, aunt, grandparents and others. I am trying to find comfort in the fact that he is still here with me and watching over me and I can talk to him anytime I want he just won't answer me. I talked to my husband on Saturday and 30 minutes later he suddenly slipped out of my life. He will always, always, always be the love of my life and will be in my heart forever. He is fine now...Our family and I have to figure out how to go on without him. I LOVE YOU Randal Jens Pedersen. I know you are safe and happy where you are now, but please keep an eye on us cause we are hurting for you right now. I love you and can't wait for the day that I will join you in heaven. Please wait for me there, becaue I need to feel your face and feel your hug and kiss.
This one was from Tuesday night...when I was having such a hard day this week..Its a song that I have on my Ipod and it came on that night...Its exactly how I feel :
" Most of all I miss my friend. The one my heart and soul confided in. The one I felt the safest with. The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again...and let the light back in. I miss my friend. I miss the colors that you brought into my life...your golden smile, those blue green eyes. I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now..saying it'll be alright. I miss my friend. "
Thanks for listening :)
I'll start at the beginning. On September 19th, 2009. I found my 34 year old husband peacefully resting in his chair at 2:00pm on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. I had been out of the house since around 11:00 am. I had talked to him at around 1:20pm....he called me to check on me and to see when I would be home. I arrived home at 2:00 pm and found him not breathing and no pulse, he looked like he was simply resting in his chair. Nothing in the environment was stirred. He just simply died...suddenly...in an instant....and without any pain or anxiety which I am so thankful for. He was not ill...he was a vibrant 34 year old man who was peacefully taken from this earth and from my physical life way too soon.
The whole next week after that was very painful, but at the same time, I had a sense of numbness about the whole thing. God did that for me, because if I hadn't had that intial numbness to get me through the funeral and all of the things that went on that week, I would have probably had to been heavily medicated. I already was medicated anyway, I couldn't sleep. I still can't sleep a lot of nights.
We got through the funeral. Funeral was way too expensive, but Randal would not have expected anything less from me. He had a beautiful service, beautiful casket, beautiful flowers, beautiful picture slideshow of his life from childhood until the week before he died. The slideshow played to two songs. "Making Memories of Us" ( This was OUR song...we danced to it at our wedding) and "When I Get Where I'm Going". The slideshow was amazing. I have copies of it. We buried him in San Angelo, TX..which is where he lived most of his life. His mother( who died last December) and his aunt are buried there next to him.
After the funeral and burial were over, the hard part started. How do I go on with my life now? Without him? It has not been easy of course. With the help of many I have been able to take one day at a time and get through each day the best that I can. My parents and my brother, called me everyday to check on me...many times a day. They knew that I talked to Randal at certain points in my day and that I would be missing that phone call, so they made sure to fill in those empty spots for me. Morning, noon, after work on my drive home ( of course I didn't go back to work until about 6 weeks after Randal died), and at night before I went to bed. My sister in laws ( Randals two sisters)...in those first few weeks after Randal died, I couldn't spend enough time with them. Being with them was like being with Randal. They made me feel closer to him. Plus, we all needed each other very much during those first few weeks. My co-workers....just the support of them picking up the slack during my absence ( and still doing it because I am still not fully engaged at work yet ), and checking on me, daily hugs, phone calls.. you name it, they have been there. Then I met Stuart. I'll tell you more about him in just a minute. It is now 3 months and 5 days since Randal went to heaven. As time has passed, I find myself back at work 5 days a week again. I find that I have days where I don't grieve too much and then there are days when I am crippled with it. I wish I had started this blog 3 months ago so that I could have shared those crippling days with you. But we would be here all day if I wrote about them and the 5 amazing dreams that Randal came to me in since his passing.
But, as I said, time has definitely helped some of the pain subside or maybe its just me getting used to living without him. The pain is still there and it creeps up and reminds me that its still there often. I have gotten to a point where I don't want my parents calling everyday and I don't need to see my sister in laws everyday. I am to the point where I need some independence. I need to figure out who Casey is without being Randal's wife. I have to learn myself all over again and learn to live as Casey who is nobody's wife.
Three weeks after Randal died, I was sitting in my house and feeling terrible. Everyone that knew Randal and I was back to their normal lives, and talking to them about how sad I was made me feel like a burden to them. I needed someone to turn to, so I began a search for a young widows support group....not just any widow support group would do. I didn't want to be sitting with a group of 80 year old women and men, because that is not who I could relate to. I needed someone who was my age that is going through this way earlier than we are supposed to be. So I found one. I joined online and I sent an email to the group stating that my husband had died 3 weeks before and I wasn't sure if 3 weeks was too soon to be sitting with a group of strangers and talking about it. I got a reply back that same day, I think, from a man named Stuart. He had lost his partner on May 28th, to cancer. His partner had been gone a little over 4 months. He told me about his loss and simply said he was there if I needed to talk. We emailed back and forth a few times a week following that first email, just sharing our stories and learning about one another. The contact with him was limited to a few emails here and there throughout October. In November, we emailed quite a bit more. Then we started talking about ourselves a little more, not just focusing on the losses we had both suffered. I took a trip to New Orleans with some friends towards the end of November, we exchanged phone numbers at that time and began text messaging. On Thanksgiving day, knowing it would be a terribly painful day for the both of us, we decided to talk on the phone for the first time. I think we talked for over two hours that night. We met face to face for the first time on December 2nd. We decided to go to the Meet Up for Young Widows ( which is the reason why we met in the first place.) Since October, having Stuart in my life has been a God send. He is someone that I can relate to, he listens when I need to talk, I listen when he needs to talk. We are there for each other. I don't worry that when I am having a bad day and tell him about it, that he is saying in his mind..." She needs to get over this and get on with her life" ...he just listens because he knows how it feels and he is going through this too. Not that my other friends or family would say that, but that is how it feels to me, maybe its all in my head. I just know that having Stuart in my life gives me hope for the future because I watch him, and I know that I will survive. Plus, he just makes me happy. He is an amazing man and a great friend to me. Thank You God for sending him to me in the wake of such tremendous grief over losing Randal. Thank you,Stuart, for emailing me on October 13th and starting this amazing friendship. I am forever grateful for you in my life.
I have gone through my first birthday, December 14th, without Randal. It was tough. But some great friends did some great things for me to make the day amazing even though I really tried hard to push everyone away. They wouldnt have it. Stuart sent me flowers because he remembered me telling him that Randal would have done that. They were beautiful ! My friend, Gerry, made me the cutest birthday cake. My friends at work took me out to dinner ( on the 15th) to celebrate. It ended up not being so bad. The week before, in anticipation of it, was worse than the actual day was.
December 18th( 89 days after his death), the cause of death came back from the Medical Examiner as this : Sudden Cardiac Death, Etiology Unknown. Manner of Death : Natural.
Duh, we already knew that. I needed more than that. But I won't get it and it sucks.
December 19th, 3 months since Randal died : Spent the day doing some last minute Christmas shopping. That evening met up with Stuart and his friend ( and my new friend), Leigh Ann. They were both having equally difficult days that day, so we met up for dinner and had a great time. I got several great hugs from Stuart that I had been needing...helped the day feel better.
Today, its Christmas Eve. I have not worked this week. Sunday I went to Vernon and spent time with my family. Came home on Monday. Tuesday, I had to go to the funeral home and sign insurance papers. The autopsy report came back last week and we have to get the funeral paid for. That was a really hard thing to do. Being back at that funeral home, I had flash backs of that day. I saw myself standing in the same spot that I was standing as faceless people came up and hugged me ( I don't even remember a whole lot of who was there...I was walking around in a cloud...plus i was medicated) . I saw the funeral cars and I saw that parking lot once again filled with all of those cars. I saw the steps where I went to sit after I silently escaped to get away for a few minutes during the viewing and cry privately. It was all too much for me to handle. I choked back tears as I went in and did the deed and got out as fast as I could. Tears streamed down my face the whole way home. I couldn't contain it anymore. Tuesday night was terrible. I didn't sleep and I cried all night. I decided that night, that I wouldn't go to work this week. I needed to take the time to get through this holiday. It was going to be hard enough as it is. I was okay yesterday. Today, I feel okay. Its kind of snowing outside which is so bizarre for Texas. I have the curtains open. Everything in this house still suggests that Randal is here, but he's not ( at least physically). I haven't moved anything from where he left it. I see the plants still from his funeral. I see mail laying beside me that says " Widows Services for Tarrant County." I see Randals face all around me in pictures. I see his clothes still in the closet and drawers. I see his favorite foods ( non perishable of course) still in the pantry. His A&M hats are hanging just like he left them. His shoes, his razor, his body spray( which I spray in the air often...just to get a whiff of what he smelled like), his cologne, his toothbrush, his garage. All of that is exactly as he left it. I can't and won't move it. So its Christmas Eve, I am going to spend the day with his family today and mine tomorrow...just like we would if he was still here. Now my task at hand, is to get through this holiday. Randal IS still here....not physically, but he is here in my heart and in my memories, and in spirit. I KNOW he is ...I can feel him. When the right time comes, I will slowly move his things, but for right now, I need those things there. Merry Christmas baby. You are in the perfect place to spend Christmas. I love you so much.
Stuart, Thanks for your blogs, I DO feel so much better after writing all of this down even though its not half of what i have been through..just a brief overview. From now on, when Im having a bad day,and there's nobody to talk to...I will be here writing. Thanks for the inspiration and the nudge to do it.
Here are a couple of things that I wanted to share that I posted on facebook :
This one was right after Randal died :
September 21, 2009 2:00 am
Its 2 am and I'm wide awake despite the prescription sleeping pills that the doctor has given us to help us get through. Cause you see, on Saturday, September 19th, my best friend and the love of my life left this world to go live in Heaven. He left very suddenly...I was out of the house and he called me at 1:23pm on my cell. We had a normal conversation, making plans for the evening and such. He was feeling just fine or if he wasnt, he didn't tell me any different. We said I'll see you in 30 minutes and that we loved each other. I didn't know that was his final goodbye and " I Love You " to me or I would have cherished it so much more at the time. Now that conversation means everything to me. I tried to call him a few times at around 1:50 and he didn't answer. I went ahead and picked up some lunch for the two of us and headed home. I arrived home to find my husband sleeping in the chair where he always sat when watching TV. Only this time, he didn't wake up like he always did when I walked in. I walked over to him and realized that he was not breathing and did not have a pulse....I dialed 911 ( after 3 attempts because my fingers were shaking so badly) I pulled him into the floor and began doing CPR. The paramedics arrived and escorted me out onto my front porch....where my hysterics began. Family and neighbors arrived and stood by me and held my hands as the paramedics were in the house trying to save my beloved Randal. At 240pm, they came out and told us the time of death. What ???? Did you say death? Do you mean to tell me that my husband of almost 6 years who I never got a chance to have children with is gone ? How am i going to even begin to know how to live without him ? My husband was an amazing man, I want everyone to know. He loved me more than anyone has or ever will love me. I was blessed to have him while I did. Now he is in Heaven with his mom, aunt, grandparents and others. I am trying to find comfort in the fact that he is still here with me and watching over me and I can talk to him anytime I want he just won't answer me. I talked to my husband on Saturday and 30 minutes later he suddenly slipped out of my life. He will always, always, always be the love of my life and will be in my heart forever. He is fine now...Our family and I have to figure out how to go on without him. I LOVE YOU Randal Jens Pedersen. I know you are safe and happy where you are now, but please keep an eye on us cause we are hurting for you right now. I love you and can't wait for the day that I will join you in heaven. Please wait for me there, becaue I need to feel your face and feel your hug and kiss.
This one was from Tuesday night...when I was having such a hard day this week..Its a song that I have on my Ipod and it came on that night...Its exactly how I feel :
" Most of all I miss my friend. The one my heart and soul confided in. The one I felt the safest with. The one who knew just what to say to make me laugh again...and let the light back in. I miss my friend. I miss the colors that you brought into my life...your golden smile, those blue green eyes. I miss your gentle voice in lonely times like now..saying it'll be alright. I miss my friend. "
Thanks for listening :)
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