I miss the effortlessness

Its been a while since my last post.  I think thats a good thing.  To me, that means that I'm living my life and not spending a lot of time on living in my widowhood.  Life has been going along pretty good.  I am really quite surprised by how "normal" I am feeling after only 4 months.  I miss him with all of my being, but I am figuring out how to go on.  I know that their is a reason and rhyme for all of this.  So, I just continue to roll with the punches.  He's always in my heart and always on my mind.

I have been living life.  I have started trying to never say no to an invitation when possible. By doing this, I have really been out and about the last few weeks.  I went to a Stars hockey game, went to see a play( which I had never done before), went on a girls trip to the casino and shopping, started taking a dance class, etc, etc....you get the point.  I also continue to get involved in church and am doing volunteer work with the Broadway Baptist Church May Street Market Food Pantry once a week, and am soon going to be doing child mentoring through Buckner.  Basically, I am trying to experience new things and do good things in my life so that my life means something again.  I have a few events in the future that i am looking forward to, and am looking forward to helping Stuart with the Team Jason fundraising for the LLS Light The Night Walk. Also, in my ongoing awe of the inspiration and impact that Stuart has had in my life, I decided at 4 months post Randals death, that i wanted to try to do the same for another widow.  I reached out to another young widow, named Kim.  I hope that I can do for her even half of what Stuart has done for me.

In doing all of this, I feel like i am experiencing life again.  I just hope that I am not hiding from my grief behind all of this.  I suppose that time will tell.

What I have been really missing in my life though is the effortlessness that I had with Randal.  From the minute that I met that man, it was so easy.  I never felt that I had to watch what I say, what I do in fear of scaring him away.  You know how in the beginning of a relationship, you almost feel like there is a game you are playing to keep that right mix of intrigue, independence, vulnerability, etc.  I never had that with Randal.  From the minute we met, I was able to be myself and never worry about any of that other stuff.  He loved me from the word go. I find now that he is gone, I don't really have that effortless love or relationship with anyone other than my parents and my brother.  I miss having that comfort in life.  I have many friends that love me, but it is not necessarily effortless.  Each individual relationship I have, requires its unique amount of effort. Effort is not a bad thing.  Its just really great when you have someone in your life that loves you no matter what....kinda like how my puppy dogs love me :) Now my question going forward is this: Can that happen to a person twice in one lifetime ? Was Randal my one chance to have that person, and now he is gone ? We spoke the same language in a voice that nobody else knew......how does one get that twice in one lifetime ?

Thanks for listening :)
Casey

Our Song....

Always was and always will be....

"Making Memories of Us"  by Keith Urban

Im gonna be here for you baby.  I'll be a man of my word....speak the language in a voice that you have never heard.  I wanna sleep with you forever and I wanna die in your arms..in a cabin by a meadow where the wild bees swarm.

And Im gonna love you like nobody loves you, and I'll earn your trust making memories of us.  I wanna honor your mother, and I wanna learn from your pa.  I wanna steal your attention like a bad outlaw.  I wanna stand out in a crowd for you...a man among men.  I wanna make your world better than its ever been.

Im gonna love you like nobody loves you, and I'll earn your trust making memories of us.
We'll follow the rainbow wherever the four winds blow, and there'll be a new day comin' your way.

Im gonna be here for you from now on.  This you know somehow.  You've been stretched to the limits, but its alright now.  I'm gonna make you a promise.  If there's life after this, I'm gonna be there to meet you with a warm wet kiss.

Im gonna love you like nobody loves you, and I'll earn your trust making memories of us.
Im gonna love you like nobody love your, and I'll win your trust making memories of us.


This was our wedding song and he sang this song to me all the time....little did I know that it would have a lot more meaning to me now. I love You, my sweet Randal.

New Year...but its so hard to say goodbye to the last one

Happy New Year....yeah, i know im late.  I havent been as good about blogging as I thought I'd be, but it does really help me when I do.  New Year.  That was hard.  I did not anticipate it to be as hard as it was.  I was all prepared to celebrate the coming in of the new year.  I actually had three different invitations to go out, and was trying to figure out which one I was going to do.  That morning, New Years Eve, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I cried the entire day.  It was worse than Thanksgiving, My birthday, and Christmas combined.  I think for me, the coming of the new year represented that a life that has to be lived without Randal. The New Year to everyone else around me was exciting and represented new beginnings.  I am not ready for new beginnings yet.  Randal has only been gone for 3 months.  I am still trying to figure out how to get through every single day right now.  How can I think about new beginnings ?  I found myself resenting those that were excited about new beginnings, and I am not that kind of person.  Its amazing how this grief can change the fabric of who you are.  So I cried the entire day.  I drove home that afternoon, and decided that I couldn't bear it.  I was imagining the stroke of midnight.  I was imagining that everyone would have their husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, what have you, to hug and kiss.  Sure, I would have had friends around me.  But, I couldn't bear the thought of that moment without Randal.  Not this year.  Its not been long enough.  So, I went home, had some dinner.  Watched Sex and The City, again.  Funny in that movie, they have a similar New Years Eve.  Kind of a sad one.  That sad version of "Auld Lang Syne" played and I cried even more.  I actually rewound it and listened to it several times.  Then I took something to knock me out, turned off my phone, and went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I slept through midnight.  I didnt want to feel that moment without Randal.  Kind of sad, I know, but I needed to feel those emotions and I needed to be alone to do it.  Nobody wants to be around a sad person on New Years Eve, and I didn't want to be around happy people for that matter.  The next morning, I woke up and turned on my phone and saw all the messages from my friends wishing me a Happy New Year, and it made me smile.  I was okay.  It was out of my system.  I just needed to get it behind me.  Next New Years Eve will be about new beginnings for me.

I am on a journey to figure out who I am without being Randal's wife.  Obviously I miss him, but he's not coming back...I have to go on. How do I say goodbye to what we had ?  All the good times and laughs.  I thought we'd see forever, but thats gone away.  Its hard to say goodbye to that.  I don't know where this road of life is going to lead me.  All I know is that what I have been through will forever be a part of that future.  I'll always have the memories to be my sunshine.  I also know that I have to do this on my own.  Nobody can do it for me.  Nobody can be a substitute for what Randal was in my life.  He was always at my fingertips if I needed to be protected from this world.  He was always in my corner. If I had a horrible day, I knew going home to him, I would find unconditional love.  And did he ever love me.  I will never find love that again.  I keep looking for someone to provide that same security for me, but its not possible.  My friends have their own lives to live.  Randal lived his life for me.  I can't find that again no matter how hard I try to conform someone into being that for me.  Its not fair to them for me to expect that.  I am on my own.  Dont get me wrong.  I have great friends that are there to support me when I need it.  I have great family who are there to support me when I need it.  But thats the thing, when I need it. I didn't have to reach out to Randal when I needed him.  He was just always there to pick up the pieces for me and let me know that I was safe and loved.  I didn't have to reach out to him.  He was my person. I never had a care in the world with him because he took care of me.  Now, he's gone. How do I live without that ?

So this year is about learning to get through each day and learning about me again.

I was going through some old letters, cards, and such from Randal a couple of weekends ago and I found this that he wrote to me :

"Before you entered my world I felt that I had nothing at all.  The more you were around, the more I began to fall in love. You are the light of my life, the beginning of forever.  I refuse to see a day that you would not be here. My life is yours now, through happiness, sadness and fear.  No man could be as happy as you have made me.  Forever we will be.  My heart is full of love and I hope I show it to you in everything that I do. I will always love you.  I will love you until the end. I am not only your lover, but always your best friend. "

OMG ...i just made myself cry again.  Isn't that beautiful.  The love I had with that man. Why did it end?

Thanks for listening.