I miss the effortlessness

Its been a while since my last post.  I think thats a good thing.  To me, that means that I'm living my life and not spending a lot of time on living in my widowhood.  Life has been going along pretty good.  I am really quite surprised by how "normal" I am feeling after only 4 months.  I miss him with all of my being, but I am figuring out how to go on.  I know that their is a reason and rhyme for all of this.  So, I just continue to roll with the punches.  He's always in my heart and always on my mind.

I have been living life.  I have started trying to never say no to an invitation when possible. By doing this, I have really been out and about the last few weeks.  I went to a Stars hockey game, went to see a play( which I had never done before), went on a girls trip to the casino and shopping, started taking a dance class, etc, etc....you get the point.  I also continue to get involved in church and am doing volunteer work with the Broadway Baptist Church May Street Market Food Pantry once a week, and am soon going to be doing child mentoring through Buckner.  Basically, I am trying to experience new things and do good things in my life so that my life means something again.  I have a few events in the future that i am looking forward to, and am looking forward to helping Stuart with the Team Jason fundraising for the LLS Light The Night Walk. Also, in my ongoing awe of the inspiration and impact that Stuart has had in my life, I decided at 4 months post Randals death, that i wanted to try to do the same for another widow.  I reached out to another young widow, named Kim.  I hope that I can do for her even half of what Stuart has done for me.

In doing all of this, I feel like i am experiencing life again.  I just hope that I am not hiding from my grief behind all of this.  I suppose that time will tell.

What I have been really missing in my life though is the effortlessness that I had with Randal.  From the minute that I met that man, it was so easy.  I never felt that I had to watch what I say, what I do in fear of scaring him away.  You know how in the beginning of a relationship, you almost feel like there is a game you are playing to keep that right mix of intrigue, independence, vulnerability, etc.  I never had that with Randal.  From the minute we met, I was able to be myself and never worry about any of that other stuff.  He loved me from the word go. I find now that he is gone, I don't really have that effortless love or relationship with anyone other than my parents and my brother.  I miss having that comfort in life.  I have many friends that love me, but it is not necessarily effortless.  Each individual relationship I have, requires its unique amount of effort. Effort is not a bad thing.  Its just really great when you have someone in your life that loves you no matter what....kinda like how my puppy dogs love me :) Now my question going forward is this: Can that happen to a person twice in one lifetime ? Was Randal my one chance to have that person, and now he is gone ? We spoke the same language in a voice that nobody else knew......how does one get that twice in one lifetime ?

Thanks for listening :)
Casey