Wow ! Has it really been over 3 months since I last blogged ? So much has happened in the past 3 months. I can't believe that I haven't sat down to write about it. Actually, I can. You see, when I sit down to write, then I am forced to think I about it. I have been doing all in my power to not think about it...not feel it. I have been in perpetual motion just so I don't have to feel the pain. But something has slown me down and I am now feeling the need to sit and write. I'll explain later.
Since my last post, I had my wedding anniversary on March 19th. It would have been our 5th.
Randals grave marker was laid and I went to see it, I passed a certification exam that I have been preparing for over a year..Randal was really encouraging me to take this step in my career and was very supportive, so it was a big deal for me to finally pass it. I also started volunteering with American Heart Association so that I could be a voice for heart disease and helping to increase awareness so that maybe someone else will be spared of sudden cardiac death. I represented American Heart at a health fair on the 8 month anniversary of Randals death. Low and behold, the first person that came to my table passed out on me and I had to begin resuscitative efforts. ( he ended up being fine ). It was so ironic to me that happened given the reason I was there and on the day in particular that I was there. It was like an out of body experience for me. I was simultaneously trying to help this man while thinking in my head, why couldn't I have been there when Randal did this? I could've saved him. It was quite bizarre for me.
My wedding anniversary was amazing because on that day, I went to a medium and was connected with Randal in a way that I never expected. It was beautiful. He told me many things that I needed to hear. I won't talk much about it because I am not sure of the comfort level of anyone who might be reading this. But it WAS amazing.
A few weeks ago, I traveled to San Angelo and went to visit him. His marker was beautiful. I put flowers out for him. I began to cry just even approaching the cemetary. Seeing his name in granite and bronze and knowing that his body was in the ground right below me, was a little too much for me to handle. I sat there and talked to him and played a few special songs for him that I had downloaded. Sometimes music for me, is an easier way to express myself. Sometimes I just don't have thewords. So I am always finding songs that say exactly how I feel. Music helps me to heal. Music was very important to Randal too, so I know he liked the songs.
I started back to school on April 1st....Randal woulda kicked my butt if I let his death keep me from finishing my degree...so here I am baby, back in school...for you !
More recently, the reason that I am blogging, is that our dog ...Randals dog, even before I came into his life, has been diagnosed with lung cancer and cancer of the bone ( ribs). He has surgery last Friday to remove a tumor on his right eye and his left front leg. Thats when they found the cancer internally. Vet said 2months to a year...he just doesn't know. Sammy is a 12 year old lab...so treatment is not an option. Every since I got this diagnosis for Sam, I can't think about anything else. This dog has been my lifeline to Randal because Randal loved him sooo much. I have always kinda felt like Sammy and Randal shared a soul and for some reason sometimes when I talk to Sammy, I felt that Randal was there. Now, Im going to lose Sammy too. He was doing good over the first part of the week, but yesterday when I got home, I noticed that he had thrown up. He wouldnt eat anything for me last night or this morning. He didn't sleep at all last night...I was up with him all night. Then this morning, he threw up again and it was dark blood. Im afraid the end is near. I am backsliding into my grief...or maybe I am just being forced to sit and think about it again. I know Sammy and Randal will be happy together in Heaven, but what will I have left ? Who will listen to me when I talk ? The girl dogs listen, but its not the same. They don't have a part of Randals soul. So, I will just love Sammy and hug him and kiss him every chance I get until I have to put him to sleep. I didn't get a chance to do that with Randal...this is my chance.
2 comments:
Casey,
I hope you know how great of a woman I think you are. I read most of your blogs and, of course, am sitting here crying. So many of the feelings you shared are what I feel right now about Addison. Especially how you think everyone just expects you to move on and not cry or show your grief anymore. Like you, I don't know if that is just my perception of people or how they really feel. There seems to be no one to talk to when you loose a grand child either. Most of the time I don't even know what to say to Felicia or Christopher, I don't want to upset them. Lately I find myself just wanting to beg them to let me come sit in her room just to feel her, absorb her. Just to touch her clothes or smell her toys. Again, though, I don't want to upset them. I spend many, many morning at her grave. I never want her to be without flowers or have it muddy or dirty. It's just all I can do for her now. Thank you so much for sharing and opening up your heart with this blog. It really helps to know that these things I feel are "normal", if we have to do this. I am so so sorry for your loss. Just please know that any, ANY time you need someone to talk to you can call me. Thank you again for sharing....love you!
Casey,
I'm so sorry about your pup. I cannot even imagine. I pray that he's not in pain and that his passing is easy and Randall will definitely be there waiting for him on the other side. You are so strong and I know that you will make it through. You are such an inspiration.
It's funny that you said how you talk to the dog. My aunt took Scout for 4 days so I can recoup and I just told my friends and mom that normally I have somebody to talk to--Scout. They're such good listeners! =)
Love you and keep your chin up. Let me know if you need anything.
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