Backsliding

Wow ! Has it really been over 3 months since I last blogged ?  So much has happened in the past 3 months.  I can't believe that I haven't sat down to write about it.  Actually, I can.  You see, when I sit down to write, then I am forced to think I about it.  I have been doing all in my power to not think about it...not feel it.  I have been in perpetual motion just so I don't have to feel the pain.  But something has slown me down and I am now feeling the need to sit and write.  I'll explain later.

Since my last post, I had my wedding anniversary on March 19th.  It would have been our 5th. 

Randals grave marker was laid and I went to see it, I passed a certification exam that I have been preparing for over a year..Randal was really encouraging me to take this step in my career and was very supportive, so it was a big deal for me to finally pass it.  I also started volunteering with American Heart Association so that I could be a voice for heart disease and helping to increase awareness so that maybe someone else will be spared of sudden cardiac death. I represented American Heart at a health fair on the 8 month anniversary of Randals death.  Low and behold, the first person that came to my table passed out on me and I had to begin resuscitative efforts.  ( he ended up being fine ).  It was so ironic to me that happened given the reason I was there and on the day in particular that I was there.  It was like an out of body experience for me.  I was simultaneously trying to help this man while thinking in my head, why couldn't I have been there when Randal did this?  I could've saved him.  It was quite bizarre for me. 

My wedding anniversary was amazing because on that day, I went to a medium and was connected with Randal in a way that I never expected.  It was beautiful.  He told me many things that I needed to hear.  I won't talk much about it because I am not sure of the comfort level of anyone who might be reading this. But it WAS amazing. 

A few weeks ago, I traveled to San Angelo and went to visit him.  His  marker was beautiful.  I put flowers out for him.  I began to cry just even approaching the cemetary.  Seeing his name in granite and bronze and knowing that his body was in the ground right below me, was a little too much for me to handle.  I sat there and talked to him and played a few special songs for him that I had downloaded.  Sometimes music for me, is an easier way to express myself.  Sometimes I just don't have thewords.  So I am always finding songs that say exactly how I feel. Music helps me to heal.  Music was very important to Randal too, so I know he liked the songs. 

I started back to school on April 1st....Randal woulda kicked my butt if I let his death keep me from finishing my degree...so here I am baby, back in school...for you !

More recently, the reason that I am blogging, is that our dog ...Randals dog, even before I came into his life, has been diagnosed with lung cancer and cancer of the bone ( ribs). He has surgery last Friday to remove a tumor on his right eye and his left front leg.  Thats when they found the cancer internally. Vet said 2months to a year...he just doesn't know.  Sammy is a 12 year old lab...so treatment is not an option. Every since I got this diagnosis for Sam, I can't think about anything else.  This dog has been my lifeline to Randal because Randal loved him sooo much.  I have always kinda felt like Sammy and Randal shared a soul and for some reason sometimes when I talk to Sammy, I felt that Randal was there.  Now, Im going to lose Sammy too.  He was doing good over the first part of the week, but yesterday when I got home, I noticed that he had thrown up.  He wouldnt eat anything for me last night or this morning. He didn't sleep at all last night...I was up with him all night.  Then this morning, he threw up again and it was dark blood.  Im afraid the end is near.  I am backsliding into my grief...or maybe I am just being forced to sit and think about it again.  I know Sammy and Randal will be happy together in Heaven, but what will I have left ?  Who will listen to me when I talk ?  The girl dogs listen, but its not the same.  They don't have a part of Randals soul.  So, I will just love Sammy and hug him and kiss him every chance I get until I have to put him to sleep.  I didn't get a chance to do that with Randal...this is my chance.

Happy Valentines Day, My Forever Love

You know Valentines Day has not ever been a huge deal for me.  Honestly, I totally agree that its's a "Hallmark holiday" and just really way commercialized.  However, Randal and I did participate every year.  This Valentines day serves as a huge reminder of first, my intense love for Randal, second, this huge hole in my heart and in my life. 

I will be just fine today though.  Randal knows that I love him and I know that he loved me.  He doesn't have to be here for the exchanging of material things. 

A Valentines Day note to my hunny bunny :

Randal, I love you so much today, yesterday, tomorrow, forever.  You are not here with me anymore, but will forever live on in my heart and forever will I carry you with my soul.  You are the love of my life and nobody will ever change that...not ever.  I promise.  I used to see you in my dreams after you first made your journey to Heaven.  I don't see you there so much anymore.  That tells me that you are at peace in Heaven.
Last night, however, I did have a dream.  I think you came to me to tell me Happy Valentines day.  I dreamed that we had one last day together.  We knew that you would die, and we knew we had 24 hours until you left. Do you know what we did?  We stayed home, like we loved to do.  We slept in, we stayed in bed all morning, then we got up and played with the dogs in the backyard, we cooked outside on the grill, had dinner, then watched movies on your HUGE HD TV ( the second love of your life). I sat in this chair with you and all the dogs were at our feet....then i woke up.  Isnt that amazing that in my dream, thats how we spent our last day together? That is what we loved to do and how we loved to spend our days.  How I wish that I still had that ...I know that you are smiling down on me from Heaven.  I wish that I could look into those blue eyes and tell you how much I love you, but you are so far away now.  I never imagined that I would live without your smile, your laugh, your heart.  Knowing that you are here with me in spirit keeps me alive.  We will be together again someday.  When I am with you again, I will never assume that you will always be with me.  I will cherish every moment. For now, I will look for a brighter day. Until then....listen to my prayers everyday.  One day, my sweet love, one day....until then..I love you so much.

I miss the effortlessness

Its been a while since my last post.  I think thats a good thing.  To me, that means that I'm living my life and not spending a lot of time on living in my widowhood.  Life has been going along pretty good.  I am really quite surprised by how "normal" I am feeling after only 4 months.  I miss him with all of my being, but I am figuring out how to go on.  I know that their is a reason and rhyme for all of this.  So, I just continue to roll with the punches.  He's always in my heart and always on my mind.

I have been living life.  I have started trying to never say no to an invitation when possible. By doing this, I have really been out and about the last few weeks.  I went to a Stars hockey game, went to see a play( which I had never done before), went on a girls trip to the casino and shopping, started taking a dance class, etc, etc....you get the point.  I also continue to get involved in church and am doing volunteer work with the Broadway Baptist Church May Street Market Food Pantry once a week, and am soon going to be doing child mentoring through Buckner.  Basically, I am trying to experience new things and do good things in my life so that my life means something again.  I have a few events in the future that i am looking forward to, and am looking forward to helping Stuart with the Team Jason fundraising for the LLS Light The Night Walk. Also, in my ongoing awe of the inspiration and impact that Stuart has had in my life, I decided at 4 months post Randals death, that i wanted to try to do the same for another widow.  I reached out to another young widow, named Kim.  I hope that I can do for her even half of what Stuart has done for me.

In doing all of this, I feel like i am experiencing life again.  I just hope that I am not hiding from my grief behind all of this.  I suppose that time will tell.

What I have been really missing in my life though is the effortlessness that I had with Randal.  From the minute that I met that man, it was so easy.  I never felt that I had to watch what I say, what I do in fear of scaring him away.  You know how in the beginning of a relationship, you almost feel like there is a game you are playing to keep that right mix of intrigue, independence, vulnerability, etc.  I never had that with Randal.  From the minute we met, I was able to be myself and never worry about any of that other stuff.  He loved me from the word go. I find now that he is gone, I don't really have that effortless love or relationship with anyone other than my parents and my brother.  I miss having that comfort in life.  I have many friends that love me, but it is not necessarily effortless.  Each individual relationship I have, requires its unique amount of effort. Effort is not a bad thing.  Its just really great when you have someone in your life that loves you no matter what....kinda like how my puppy dogs love me :) Now my question going forward is this: Can that happen to a person twice in one lifetime ? Was Randal my one chance to have that person, and now he is gone ? We spoke the same language in a voice that nobody else knew......how does one get that twice in one lifetime ?

Thanks for listening :)
Casey

Our Song....

Always was and always will be....

"Making Memories of Us"  by Keith Urban

Im gonna be here for you baby.  I'll be a man of my word....speak the language in a voice that you have never heard.  I wanna sleep with you forever and I wanna die in your arms..in a cabin by a meadow where the wild bees swarm.

And Im gonna love you like nobody loves you, and I'll earn your trust making memories of us.  I wanna honor your mother, and I wanna learn from your pa.  I wanna steal your attention like a bad outlaw.  I wanna stand out in a crowd for you...a man among men.  I wanna make your world better than its ever been.

Im gonna love you like nobody loves you, and I'll earn your trust making memories of us.
We'll follow the rainbow wherever the four winds blow, and there'll be a new day comin' your way.

Im gonna be here for you from now on.  This you know somehow.  You've been stretched to the limits, but its alright now.  I'm gonna make you a promise.  If there's life after this, I'm gonna be there to meet you with a warm wet kiss.

Im gonna love you like nobody loves you, and I'll earn your trust making memories of us.
Im gonna love you like nobody love your, and I'll win your trust making memories of us.


This was our wedding song and he sang this song to me all the time....little did I know that it would have a lot more meaning to me now. I love You, my sweet Randal.

New Year...but its so hard to say goodbye to the last one

Happy New Year....yeah, i know im late.  I havent been as good about blogging as I thought I'd be, but it does really help me when I do.  New Year.  That was hard.  I did not anticipate it to be as hard as it was.  I was all prepared to celebrate the coming in of the new year.  I actually had three different invitations to go out, and was trying to figure out which one I was going to do.  That morning, New Years Eve, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I cried the entire day.  It was worse than Thanksgiving, My birthday, and Christmas combined.  I think for me, the coming of the new year represented that a life that has to be lived without Randal. The New Year to everyone else around me was exciting and represented new beginnings.  I am not ready for new beginnings yet.  Randal has only been gone for 3 months.  I am still trying to figure out how to get through every single day right now.  How can I think about new beginnings ?  I found myself resenting those that were excited about new beginnings, and I am not that kind of person.  Its amazing how this grief can change the fabric of who you are.  So I cried the entire day.  I drove home that afternoon, and decided that I couldn't bear it.  I was imagining the stroke of midnight.  I was imagining that everyone would have their husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, what have you, to hug and kiss.  Sure, I would have had friends around me.  But, I couldn't bear the thought of that moment without Randal.  Not this year.  Its not been long enough.  So, I went home, had some dinner.  Watched Sex and The City, again.  Funny in that movie, they have a similar New Years Eve.  Kind of a sad one.  That sad version of "Auld Lang Syne" played and I cried even more.  I actually rewound it and listened to it several times.  Then I took something to knock me out, turned off my phone, and went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I slept through midnight.  I didnt want to feel that moment without Randal.  Kind of sad, I know, but I needed to feel those emotions and I needed to be alone to do it.  Nobody wants to be around a sad person on New Years Eve, and I didn't want to be around happy people for that matter.  The next morning, I woke up and turned on my phone and saw all the messages from my friends wishing me a Happy New Year, and it made me smile.  I was okay.  It was out of my system.  I just needed to get it behind me.  Next New Years Eve will be about new beginnings for me.

I am on a journey to figure out who I am without being Randal's wife.  Obviously I miss him, but he's not coming back...I have to go on. How do I say goodbye to what we had ?  All the good times and laughs.  I thought we'd see forever, but thats gone away.  Its hard to say goodbye to that.  I don't know where this road of life is going to lead me.  All I know is that what I have been through will forever be a part of that future.  I'll always have the memories to be my sunshine.  I also know that I have to do this on my own.  Nobody can do it for me.  Nobody can be a substitute for what Randal was in my life.  He was always at my fingertips if I needed to be protected from this world.  He was always in my corner. If I had a horrible day, I knew going home to him, I would find unconditional love.  And did he ever love me.  I will never find love that again.  I keep looking for someone to provide that same security for me, but its not possible.  My friends have their own lives to live.  Randal lived his life for me.  I can't find that again no matter how hard I try to conform someone into being that for me.  Its not fair to them for me to expect that.  I am on my own.  Dont get me wrong.  I have great friends that are there to support me when I need it.  I have great family who are there to support me when I need it.  But thats the thing, when I need it. I didn't have to reach out to Randal when I needed him.  He was just always there to pick up the pieces for me and let me know that I was safe and loved.  I didn't have to reach out to him.  He was my person. I never had a care in the world with him because he took care of me.  Now, he's gone. How do I live without that ?

So this year is about learning to get through each day and learning about me again.

I was going through some old letters, cards, and such from Randal a couple of weekends ago and I found this that he wrote to me :

"Before you entered my world I felt that I had nothing at all.  The more you were around, the more I began to fall in love. You are the light of my life, the beginning of forever.  I refuse to see a day that you would not be here. My life is yours now, through happiness, sadness and fear.  No man could be as happy as you have made me.  Forever we will be.  My heart is full of love and I hope I show it to you in everything that I do. I will always love you.  I will love you until the end. I am not only your lover, but always your best friend. "

OMG ...i just made myself cry again.  Isn't that beautiful.  The love I had with that man. Why did it end?

Thanks for listening.

Randal's cousin, Brenda, sent me this poem today,  and I found it was quite beautiful..I find peace in this poem.  Randal is there this year and enjoying a beautiful Christmas.


My First Christmas In Heaven


I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away, We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.

It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love he has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year

Merry Christmas

It's 3:20 am...i should be sleeping, but I'm not. I have been having a lot of not sleeping these past few weeks. It's Christmas. Last Christmas, I never dreamed I would spending Christmas without Randal this year. I spent tonight with Randals family. It was bittersweet spending this night with them. I was happy to be there because I love them and they will always be my family, but very hard to be there without him. His sister, Anne, bought a really nice new TV. Randal was such a fanatic about cool electronics and he would have loved her TV. When I saw it, I almost picked up my phone to take a picture and send it to him. I wanted him to see it. But within a few seconds, reality hit that I could not send him a picture. We talked about him a lot tonight. We remembered the funny things about him and some of the things  that he said all the time that made us laugh. His uncle gave me a picture in a really pretty frame of Randal in his moms lap when he was a sweet little blonde haired boy. His mom died last December on the 27th. It was such a sweet picture. I imagined that he and his mom were in each others arms like that in heaven now. Randal was an artist. He did some art in high school and went to the Dallas Art Institute after high school. His sister, Judi, had a picture he had done in high school ( which I had never seen ) beautifully matted and framed for me.  I will try to attach pictures of both to this post.  I cried after I opened both of these gifts.  They are sentimental and precious to me.  I am so blessed to be a part of his wonderful family.

Tomorrow, I will travel to Vernon and be with my family( if road conditions permit).  I am looking forward to being with my family, but I know that being there without Randal will be tough.  Its just going to be another day that I have to get through.

Here are pictures of the two gifts that I mentioned :

So, with that, I want to wish anyone who reads this a Merry Christmas.  If you knew Randal, please take a moment today to remember him. He is in the perfect place to be spending Christmas.  He is very much loved.  Its just hard for those of us left behind to be spending this day ,that is supposed to be about family and happy times, without his precious smile, funny ways, and boisterous laugh. I love you baby.

To my friend Stuart, I hope you have a great day tomorrow ( today really).  Jason is with you right now.  I wish for you to have peace during this season.  I wish for Jason to come to you in your dreams tonight to tell you how happy he is that you are in Boston with his parents to help them get through the holidays as well.  You are a special person.

Merry Christmas everyone.
Casey