New Year...but its so hard to say goodbye to the last one

Happy New Year....yeah, i know im late.  I havent been as good about blogging as I thought I'd be, but it does really help me when I do.  New Year.  That was hard.  I did not anticipate it to be as hard as it was.  I was all prepared to celebrate the coming in of the new year.  I actually had three different invitations to go out, and was trying to figure out which one I was going to do.  That morning, New Years Eve, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I cried the entire day.  It was worse than Thanksgiving, My birthday, and Christmas combined.  I think for me, the coming of the new year represented that a life that has to be lived without Randal. The New Year to everyone else around me was exciting and represented new beginnings.  I am not ready for new beginnings yet.  Randal has only been gone for 3 months.  I am still trying to figure out how to get through every single day right now.  How can I think about new beginnings ?  I found myself resenting those that were excited about new beginnings, and I am not that kind of person.  Its amazing how this grief can change the fabric of who you are.  So I cried the entire day.  I drove home that afternoon, and decided that I couldn't bear it.  I was imagining the stroke of midnight.  I was imagining that everyone would have their husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, what have you, to hug and kiss.  Sure, I would have had friends around me.  But, I couldn't bear the thought of that moment without Randal.  Not this year.  Its not been long enough.  So, I went home, had some dinner.  Watched Sex and The City, again.  Funny in that movie, they have a similar New Years Eve.  Kind of a sad one.  That sad version of "Auld Lang Syne" played and I cried even more.  I actually rewound it and listened to it several times.  Then I took something to knock me out, turned off my phone, and went to bed and cried myself to sleep. I slept through midnight.  I didnt want to feel that moment without Randal.  Kind of sad, I know, but I needed to feel those emotions and I needed to be alone to do it.  Nobody wants to be around a sad person on New Years Eve, and I didn't want to be around happy people for that matter.  The next morning, I woke up and turned on my phone and saw all the messages from my friends wishing me a Happy New Year, and it made me smile.  I was okay.  It was out of my system.  I just needed to get it behind me.  Next New Years Eve will be about new beginnings for me.

I am on a journey to figure out who I am without being Randal's wife.  Obviously I miss him, but he's not coming back...I have to go on. How do I say goodbye to what we had ?  All the good times and laughs.  I thought we'd see forever, but thats gone away.  Its hard to say goodbye to that.  I don't know where this road of life is going to lead me.  All I know is that what I have been through will forever be a part of that future.  I'll always have the memories to be my sunshine.  I also know that I have to do this on my own.  Nobody can do it for me.  Nobody can be a substitute for what Randal was in my life.  He was always at my fingertips if I needed to be protected from this world.  He was always in my corner. If I had a horrible day, I knew going home to him, I would find unconditional love.  And did he ever love me.  I will never find love that again.  I keep looking for someone to provide that same security for me, but its not possible.  My friends have their own lives to live.  Randal lived his life for me.  I can't find that again no matter how hard I try to conform someone into being that for me.  Its not fair to them for me to expect that.  I am on my own.  Dont get me wrong.  I have great friends that are there to support me when I need it.  I have great family who are there to support me when I need it.  But thats the thing, when I need it. I didn't have to reach out to Randal when I needed him.  He was just always there to pick up the pieces for me and let me know that I was safe and loved.  I didn't have to reach out to him.  He was my person. I never had a care in the world with him because he took care of me.  Now, he's gone. How do I live without that ?

So this year is about learning to get through each day and learning about me again.

I was going through some old letters, cards, and such from Randal a couple of weekends ago and I found this that he wrote to me :

"Before you entered my world I felt that I had nothing at all.  The more you were around, the more I began to fall in love. You are the light of my life, the beginning of forever.  I refuse to see a day that you would not be here. My life is yours now, through happiness, sadness and fear.  No man could be as happy as you have made me.  Forever we will be.  My heart is full of love and I hope I show it to you in everything that I do. I will always love you.  I will love you until the end. I am not only your lover, but always your best friend. "

OMG ...i just made myself cry again.  Isn't that beautiful.  The love I had with that man. Why did it end?

Thanks for listening.